One thing I have come to rely on quite heavily while raising my whanau on my own is the whole notion of Tuakana-teina (older - younger). I learnt this term as a fresh-faced Uni student studying Māori Education and understand it to form quite an important part of the philosophy that underpins Kohanga and Kura. It just seems both natural and logical that the older you get, the more is expected of you, especially in relation to younger siblings. So yes, I rely heavily on my older kids to pull a fair bit of weight around the home.
It is actually quite a beneficial relationship (should check that with the kids really shouldn't I) from my observations. The youngest 'Princess' of the family naturally gravitates toward her big sister for cuddles, homework help, hair straightening, etc when her Mother is too busy. And if she gets a growling from Mum, she will seek solace from her big sister too. I feel totally ganged up on when the two of them shoot dagger eyes at me. And of course my 5 year old baby boy turns to any of the other four for all of the above too (yes, even the hair straightening). He never goes to the same sibling twice, he likes to share the love. He does have a special relationship with his tough 10 year old sister. Those two are tight. I expect the older kids to help look after the younger kids. Tuakana-teina really is a simple, built-in, enduring, ages-old whanau support system that I highly recommend. And its free!
It does come with its problems though. You can set the system up, borning the kids and all, and you can set it to run at given times, but you have to programme it with care. See if you dont lay down the tikanga (rules) just right, you'll get dramas! Tuakana-teina must be understood by all whanau members as a relationship that is intended to nurture and guide. Bahahahaha! For the first five minutes maybe!! My kids will turn on each other faster than a speeding bullet. "Haere ki te mahi!" - "Nah! You aint the boss of me!". Bloody hell. That must be an eternal sibling statement that one! The system is reliant on sound rationale and firm expectations. And I suppose I really should articulate that to the kids. And once I know what that looks like - I probably will! But for now we're winging it and the Tuakana-teina system at the moment is nothing more than a reactive system, an emergency response system for when I literally have my hands full. I am wanting to grow its functions but until I can spend time getting the underpinning processes and procedures sussed, it continues to be a last resort back-up.
And the point of all this waffle? The kids are off on their end of year school trip and they're all pretty excited. I was keen to join them and I had originally intended to go as Parent-help, but I have another commitment and so I am staying back now. The dilemma? Mr 5 - thats him in the profile pic. I wont let him go on the trip. He is the product of an over-worked guilty mother, and the potiki (youngest child) to boot. If he wants something, and it will bring me peace, I am ashamed to say he gets it. I have created a behavioural monster. I thought I should let him go, and trust in the Tuakana-teina system to look out for him. But that wouldn't be fair to his Tuakana or to my baby. That is a huge responsibility for all four of my kids to watch the baby for 8 days. And they need time to just be kids, chill and hang with their friends after a productive year at school. I know there'll be teachers and other adults that would be able to help them etc. But his delightful mannerisms - anger outbursts, giving the one-finger salute, and hurling missiles, which look so cute at home, and so wrong in public need constant management at the moment. And he has a foul mouth - I swear its not from me (pardon the pun)! The school trip is not the time or place to run the Tuakana-teina system. It requires Mum.
So, the kids will head south on their well-earned school trip and I will be home alone with a 5 year old who totally has my number - and who doesn't know yet that he is not going on the trip. Pray for me.
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